The Hobbit

What I Didn't Like:

The Troll/Goblin King. He could have not existed. At all. Every scene with him in it was superfluous and gross. Can I blame Del Toro for him? He admittedly looked a bit Meet the Feebles, but I will blame Del Toro for him anyway. Because of reasons.

The conceptual design of the White Orc. Whatever the fuck his name was. I liked his existence and the angst he caused Thorin just fine, but he looked... unimpressive. Like something out of 300, not an orc out of LOTR. Though his metal claw was superbly freaky-looking, and I approve of it.

What I Liked But Could Have Been Saved for the Extended DVD Release:

The 'That's What Bilbo Baggins Hates' Song in Bag End. I liked the song, I just felt it... didn't need to happen in a theatrical release. Or at least, more than one line of it didn't need to happen. IDK.

Although sudden singing in LOTR is a pretty traditional thing. And the 'Over the Misty Mountains' Song was awesome.


Radaghast the Brown. I felt like I'd fallen into Narnia and was watching on old, crazed Mr Tumnus. On crack. Though it was cool to see Dol Guldur. And... okay, it was cool to see rabbits outrun Wargs.

Also, the actor once played the Seventh Doctor Who. Which is cool.


Fighting the Trolls. It admittedly didn't last long and it was nice to see the dwarves come to Bilbo's rescue. But I'd have loved to see the scene just start with Bilbo talking to them, stalling them, outsmarting them. More character interaction, less action.

And maybe less sneezing. Though now when I sneeze john4nod goes, "Is it a Hobbit?"


The Stone Giants. Don't get me wrong - conceptually, the idea of stone giants the size of mountains clashing in the midst of a thunderstorm? Yeah, fucking awesome. But they didn't move the plot along and just provided a lot more 'people falling off of teetering things' moments of not-actually-tension. It would have sort of been amazing to see them in the dark, misty distance and the dwarven party walked along the cliffs - just out there somewhere, barely visible when the lightning flashed, like two mountains clashing. IDK. I just felt it became less impressive once there was... too much of it too close?

You know who you are.


About 15 minutes of fight scenes. The whole bit in the goblin caves was very 'Frodo and Sam among the orc ranks' to me. It fits fine as an extra scene if you like that kind of thing, but in the end it's just too. many. goddamn. orcs. And they don't even properly move the plot along. They just... exist. Grossly. And then a lot of bridges broke reminiscent of the falling log and the buggy ravine in King Kong and a lot of dwarves tumbled around on splintering platforms of wood like it was the end of National Treasure and then there were just goblins fucking everywhere.

It was like this. Except goblins.


What I Really Liked A Lot:

Everything else. :D

Frodo walked on screen and I cried. I sobbed and sniffled. I'd already been making weird gaspy noises at the sight of the shire and the dwarves and the damn SHIRE MUSIC OMG HOWARD SHORE YOU MAGICIAN but Frodo? Happy Frodo, young and carefree and pre-Ring and it was like greeting an old friend back from the dead, I was crying into my 3D glasses.

Martin Freeman as Bilbo. Pitch perfect. Thank you.

Gandalf showing off more magic skills. It was great to get a fuller range of his powers.

Elrond. See, I adore Hugo Weaving (see: V for Vendetta) but I was never an Elrond fan. He was severe and he had Eyebrows and he was all ARWEN YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, ARAGORN GO AWAY BAHHHH. But here? He was in armor and on a horse and hunting orc and being... sort of lighthearted and REALLY POLITE AND GOOD TO THE DWARVES, REALLY HE WASN'T BEING SHITTY TO THEM AT ALL and just dayum, Elrond, yes. Yes.

The glimpse of Thranduil.





The minute when they're running from the goblins on the bridge and the Troll King pops up and stops them short and Gandalf looks at him and everyone who has seen LOTR is just shrieking BITCH GANDALF WILL PUT DOWN A MOTHERFUCKING BALROG ON THE NEXT MOTHERFUCKING BRIDGE HE STANDS DOWN ON AND YOU SLOBBY-ASS MOTHERFUCKER THINK YOU ARE INTIMIDATING WELL GANDALF WILL SAY 'YOU CANNOT PASS' TO A GODDAMN BALROG OF MORGOTH GO BACK AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN BEFORE HE STOMPS YOUR ASS.


Thorin being really fucking impressive.


Bilbo saving Thorin. There are not words. I fucking cried.  See, I knew what was going down - I knew that Thorin would have his glorious showdown in the last battle of the last movie so him standing there DRAMATICALLY with the DRAMATIC FIRE and the MUSIC and his sword and SHIELD OF WOOD and it was EPIC and I was like fuck, this will end in tears. And it's brutal, the beatdown he gets. It's just horrible.  And then Bilbo, little terrified loyal respectable Bilbo just RUNS AND PLOWS THE FUCK INTO WHITE ORC'S UNDERLING AND STAB STAB STAB AND HE HAS STING AND FUCK YEAH JUST JKBEGJKBEJKBGE HOBBITS AND LITTLE GUYS AND UNDERDOGS FOR THE FUCKING WIN KFEJBGJKEBEKBJG SOBBING WAAHH ;_______;

The 'Over the Misty Mountains' song.


The Eagles. :D PRETTY EAGLES. I saw the butterfly and was like YES I KNOW WHAT'S COMING NOW.

The new and improved Warg CGI. A+ WETA. A+

RIDDLES. IN. THE. DARK. It was hands-down the best scene in the entire film. The framing of it, the cinematography and scripting was exactly how I've always imagined, but they've also improved Gollum's already-amazing CGI, especially for his facial expressions. And Serkis and Freeman, just, wow. Absolutely masterful. Gollum's double personality and Bilbo's fear and their humor and drama and Gollum's utter terror and RAGE when he realizes Bilbo has his precious - unf.

All the dwarves having distinct personalities. Finally. Yes.



"I'M GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!" Possibly one of my favorite lines. When he wakes up in Bag End and they're gone and they've left his place all nice and neat and disappeared off on a suicide mission and he KNOWS he just missed out on something massive so he goes BOLTING OUTSIDE AND RUNNING OUT THE DOOR AND DOWN THE LANE ;____;

Bilbo and the Stone Trolls. Once he actually started talking to them, stalling for time and MAKING IT UP ON THE SPOT and his little face and being like THEY'VE GOT WORMS and Kili all outraged like I HAVEN'T GOT WORMS and Thorin being like SHUT UP YOU IDIOTS *KICKS LEG* and then Kili got it and was like I'VE GOT WORMS, I'VE GOT SO MANY WORMS.

I also enjoyed Fili and Kili when the ponies first disappeared being all .....LLLLLLET'S NOT TELL THORIN YET, YEAH

I enjoyed the Dwarves finally getting their due as an impressive and skilled race. I mean, wow, the grandeur and talent we saw in the opening. Also, the diversity. Massive approval.

Bilbo in Bag End. It was a bit like watching John Watson when Sherlock is being a massive tit, if there were twelve Sherlocks and John had never been in the army. He was adorable and pitch-perfect and when he was reading the contract and was like "Sorry, nope." *DEAD FAINT* I might have shit myself laughing like a five-year-old.

ALSO GANDALF HITTING HIS HEAD ON THAT CHANDALIER GKEBJEBG TIES TO LOTR

The White Council. If only because they were a bunch of veteran actors together in one room. Or, well, no, it was more than that. It was the shades of who Saruman would become in who he already was then. And it was Gandalf's FFFFFFUUUUUCK ME head-in-hands pose that opened the shot after realizing Saruman had tattled on him. And it was Galadriel and her secretive smile because SHE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IS UP AND SHE'S IN GANDALF'S CORNER. AND WHEN GALADRIEL IS IN ANY CORNER BUT YOUR OWN, YOU BETTER RUN YOUR ASS OFF DOWN THE HILL.

PS: Everyone who isn't dead by the end of the trilogy will be dead in Moria. It's horrifying. I might cry.



PPS: This shit is not Thranduil's division. But it's totally the division of his dwarf-befriending hotass son.


What I Am Most Excited About in Upcoming Hobbit Movies:

Smaug. That was an awesome eye at the end - like, beautifully animated, holy shit - but I'm even more excited for what I know is coming.


Legolas. Yeah, sorry. I don't want him to have a big role, and I've heard they've added an ~elf maiden and I really don't give two shits or want OCs or big changes in story, but I do want a badass Legolas cameo.


And most of all? GALADRIEL, LADY OF LIGHT, STORMING DOL GULDUR AND LAYING SEIGE TO ITS WALLS AND TEARING IT ALL DOWN LIKE QUEEN BAMF. GO APESHIT, MY LADY. SHOW US YOUR MAJESTY.



In Conclusion: